Affectionate communication refers to acts of positive and intimate regard for another person—behaviors such as kissing, touching, hugging, sharing intimate information, and saying “I love you.”

According to affection exchange theory, these loving acts contribute to survival and reproduction by encouraging bonding and increasing access to resources (e.g., shelter, social support). Affection also benefits health: It decreases blood pressure, boosts oxytocin, lowers cortisol, and improves immune functioning (e.g., less frequent colds, milder flu symptoms).

Yet, acts of affection and intimacy, when unwelcome (e.g., inappropriate touching) may cause or exacerbate stress and anxiety, according to a study by van Raalte et al. This research, published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, will be described below.

But first, what qualifies as unwanted affection? Touching someone without their consent? Hugging someone for too long? Both? It depends. The affection exchange theory proposes there are differences between people in their need for expressing and receiving affection (e.g., some people do not like to be touched at all), and anything beyond the optimal tolerance (i.e. comfort level) might be experienced as unwanted and thus cause distress or mental health issues.

For instance, the sympathetic nervous system of a person who does not like to be touched but often is touched gets activated regularly, causing constant physiological arousal (e.g., increased blood pressure and muscle tension). Such chronic stress can contribute to anxiety, depression, and physical illness (e.g., heart disease).

How to test these claims of the theory? Because testing the predictions of the affection exchange theory in a laboratory setting is difficult and ethically questionable—e.g., repeatedly touching participants who dislike physical touch—we need an alternative approach. For instance, we can ask people who have had experiences with unwanted touching or other forms of affection to recall these occurrences. That is what van Raalte et al. did, as described below.

Investigating unwanted affection

Sample: 532 undergraduates (253 women); average age of 19 years old; 495 heterosexual; 344 Caucasians. The majority (158) reported incidents of unwanted affection involving friends; others involved acquaintances (107), romantic partners (60), family members (56), ex-romantic partners (51), coworkers or classmates (32), and strangers (31).

Measures

Anxiety: The state-trait inventory for cognitive and somatic anxiety scale assessed both cognitive anxiety (e.g., thinking the worst will happen) and somatic anxiety (e.g., trembling, muscle tension) experienced during the recalled event.

Stress: The perceived stress scale evaluated negative stress (e.g., feeling nervous, having trouble coping) during the event.

Event negativity: Assessed using the items, “I felt extremely uncomfortable,” and “I had a lot of negative feelings.”

The types of unwanted affection

Participants’ descriptions of the events were coded into nonverbal, nonverbal, and undifferentiated categories (explanations and examples are in parentheses):

Nonverbal behaviors

  • Haptics (unwanted physical contact, as in unwanted touching or hugging)
  • Proxemics/oculesics (someone standing too close, staring)
  • Chronemics (a person wanting to “hang out ALL the time”)

Verbal behaviors

  • Personal disclosure violations (being told very personal and private information)
  • Frequent contact (being sent too many texts)
  • Pet names
  • Premature expressions of love (being told “I love you” after a week of dating).

Undifferentiated

  • Romantic intent (excessive romantic interest when feelings are not being mutual)
  • Public displays of affection
  • Gifts
  • Insincere expressions (someone faking interest in the person)
  • Affection tolerance (feeling “smothered”)

And responses to unwelcome affection were coded into three categories:

  • Explicit rejection (telling him/her to stop)
  • Reducing or stopping contact (leaning “away from the touch”)
  • Ignoring the affection (pretending the behavior was not bothersome)

Unwanted affection and mental health

Analysis of data showed:

  • The perceived negativity of a recalled event was associated with worse stress and anxiety (bodily anxiety and cognitive anxiety).
  • Event negativity was typically higher when it involved encounters with lesser-known individuals, like strangers or coworkers but also ex-romantic partners.
  • Unwanted affection from strangers was correlated with the lowest level of stress and cognitive anxiety.
  • Most importantly, unwanted affection from an ex-romantic partner was linked with the highest event negativity, stress, and cognitive anxiety (See Table 1).

As these results show, unwanted affection (e.g., unwanted touching, unwelcome gifts, being called old pet names) from ex-romantic partners can be particularly distressing. While interactions with an ex may resemble interactions with strangers—unemotional, cool, polite, and distant—they often trigger painful emotions, thoughts, and memories associated with past intimacy.

Only after sufficient time has passed, during which the person no longer keeps up-to-date with what is going on in the life of their former lover, could the intimate knowledge of the ex fade. Till then, there will be considerable sensitivity to unwanted affection or intimacy from the ex.

But why does unwanted affection cause stress and anxiety, in general? Perhaps because the recipient…

  • experiences the unwelcome gestures as attempts at manipulation.
  • feels an obligation to reciprocate the affection (despite not wanting to).
  • experiences confusion about the nature of the relationship (e.g., when a coworker shares very personal details with the recipient)

Takeaway

To prevent misunderstandings and chronic stress related to unwanted affection, the first step is to be aware of your optimal tolerance and to communicate it to others. This is important since chronic stress can cause or worsen various mental and physical health conditions—e.g., anxiety, depression, insomnia, pain, high blood pressure, and heart disease.

Second, if, despite others knowing your optimal tolerance, you are still the recipient of unwanted affection (e.g., personal space violations, nonconsensual touch, oversharing), do assertively communicate your discomfort. Do not ignore the behavior because silence may be perceived as tacit approval.

Third, work on accepting the natural variation in optimal tolerance for affection in yourself and others. For instance, a friend might enjoy receiving hugs and affectionate touches frequently, while another might not like to be touched at all. Both are okay.

However, if your own comfort level with affection has changed suddenly (e.g., after a trauma involving physical or sexual harassment), it may be useful to seek therapy and explore potential reasons for this change.

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