Before explaining three ways to empower yourself, I would like to say that these three suggestions may not apply to all situations. And if you experience powerlessness regularly, consider seeing a health professional. Having said that, let’s get right to it.
1. Powerful PERSPECTIVE
Emotions have a way of confusing things, making people think that the way they feel now is permanent and that their emotion-dependent thoughts are a true reflection of the bigger reality. When people think this way, their negative feelings (and related emotions like powerlessness, helplessness, hopelessness) expand from the here and now to every task and every goal; these feelings distort people’s perceptions of what the future holds and even color memories of the past.
One solution to regaining your power in these situations is putting things in perspective. Doing cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) exercises is a common way of doing so.
Here is an example. Suppose you just went through a terrible breakup. This is painful enough, but what if you also see the breakup as your fault? You reason the breakup happened because you are not lovable, which means future relationships will eventually fail too. Thinking this way, you are left feeling powerless because you are doomed to failure.
How would doing CBT exercises help in this situation? They would allow you to practice analyzing and questioning your thoughts in an objective way. For instance, is it factually true that you are no good, incompetent, unlovable, and so forth? Do you really think how you feel about yourself or the relationship will not change? Are you certain you will fail in every future relationship? Where is the irrefutable evidence?
Might you have been committing some thinking errors?
This is not to suggest you or your behavior is beyond criticism. Indeed, with what you know now concerning the consequences of your past behaviors, there may be things you would like to have done differently in the past. Nevertheless, is this not true of us all? Hindsight is 20/20.
The issue here is not escaping responsibility or refusing to learn from mistakes. It is about saying no to inaccurate generalizations and beating yourself up.
By asking the right questions (CBT exercises), we learn to maintain enough distance from our problems, not to take things personally, and thus stay empowered. Only then is self-improvement possible.
2. Powerful THEN
Another way to feel empowered is to recall moments when you felt empowered. It may help to keep a record of your successes and achievements in life—even if seemingly small ones, such as remaining calm during an emotional argument—so you can return to them later and draw inspiration from them.
If you can not recall any, look at old pictures or watch home movies. Collect examples of times when you were feeling strong, capable, and powerful. For instance, think of times when your persistence paid off, when you provided valuable help to a person in need, and when you made great use of your skills, knowledge, and talents. Try to remember the power you felt when you created beautiful artwork, did well in an exam or in a course, built something practical, did your chores well, comforted a friend, said something smart (or imaginative, funny, heartfelt)….
If you are unable to find any pictures or videos, and if you are unable to recall any memories of empowerment, you might ask your family, relatives, friends, and other caring people in your life.
However, if you are relying only on your own memory, it is best to do the thinking at a time when you are in a good mood because it can be difficult to recall your good qualities when you are in a bad mood.
Once you have a good collection of references to times when you felt empowered, use them whenever you are having a terrible day. First, validate your emotions. Only then remind yourself of your inner power. Perhaps your mind will fight you or question the validity of the evidence. Eventually, your heart will soften and open to the possibility of the truth of your power, and the temporariness of feelings of powerlessness. You will realize the feelings of empowerment, pride, happiness, and peacefulness are within reach. The potential is in you.
3. Powerful NOW
What is the relationship between, say, solving a relationship problem and doing the dishes? Nothing…seemingly. Doing the dishes may appear trivial. However, both indicate you are a responsible and capable adult.
What I am suggesting is this: The source of empowerment need not be related to the source of powerlessness. You might feel powerless because of relationship problems, but you can feel empowered if you do your chores well.
To feel empowered, choose an activity or chore that makes you feel competent and capable. It might even be the sum of activities: Taking out the garbage, cleaning your apartment, going to the gym, fixing the leaky faucet, etc.
When we work at fixing big problems in our lives and fail (at least temporarily), we sometimes feel like failures, and thus viciously question ourselves and abilities, or think of ourselves as weak, incompetent, and stupid. Feeling hopeless and powerless, we may neglect our other responsibilities and feel even worse about ourselves afterward.
So it is important to continue to perform activities that are essential (e.g., household chores instead of games) and also make us feel good about ourselves. The goal is to feel like an independent, autonomous, mature, and responsible individual.
For instance, suppose failing a job interview has made you doubt your skills, knowledge, and ability. You did your best and yet you failed. What to do? You could go out, drink to excess, and feel worse afterward. Or you can do some household chores to counter this mentality of being a failure. You remind yourself that, yes, you did not get the job, but you are still a capable and intelligent person. You get things done.
There are countless possibilities for creating a powerful now. For instance, instead of vacuuming your room or cooking your evening meal, you might prefer to feel empowered by applying for another job interview. Or feel empowered by reviewing your job-relevant knowledge and skills, proving to yourself that you are intelligent and knowledgeable.
Do whatever works for you. Nonetheless, do something useful. If you feel powerless, just knowing intellectually about your powers is often not enough. You need to show it, at least to yourself. So go for a run, do your shopping, wash the car, pay your bills, etc.
Just don’t sit and ruminate on your disappointments. There is a time and place for evaluating your mistakes in life; however, make sure you have a clear picture of your potential and abilities when you do. So get in touch with your inner potential and empower yourself.
Fearless Psychology 